-I'm being totally honest and transparent, if you think you will feel stumbled by this then please do not continue.-
Today started out as uneventful with my mood almost alike to that of the weather this early noon. I was feeling really crappy about myself for many reasons, with many doubts flooding my head. I was thinking of how I never get recognised no matter how much I do in school. When people come to my space, they walk right pass my artwork and go straight to my studio mates'. It really discouraged me, made me feel insignificant. It continued, this mood, all the way until about 3 o' clock when I started to sing christian songs, praises to God. During this entire episode, I was asking Him what were my hands for, why am I so talentless. He reminded me of how He gave me hands to love then to paint. It was only when I started to love my friends, love the people around me again, then my mood started picking up, then I felt better about myself, and then, I realised I was painting better. This entire half day also served as a note to remind me, everyone wants to be significant. They want to be useful, to be recognised, to be praised. They want to make their mark. They need to be affirmed and loved. I realised I need to be more than someone who says I'll be there for you. I realise, I really do need to be there for them. Like physically, meeting them up. Letting them know, see, feel that I am there and that I really do love them. It's more than just lip service with God, it's more than just lip service with people as well.
There are many things and people I have to apologise to in my life; not blogging is not one of them. I would first of all like to say that I am sorry to the people I have turned down to meet for the past four months. I'm sorry to the people who have seen the ugly side of me. I'm sorry to those I have been insensitive to. I'm truly truly sorry.
God has really been teaching me about time management; I've been juggling work, school, cell group, friends and family. I think right now, I'm doing a good job with an exception that this whole new feat has honestly made me into a cold blooded uncaring creature. I am being brutally honest about myself here; not self pitying but rather, letting you know what exactly has been going on in my life.
I realised that my words really can cut, even if I said it in a one off, casual way. My tendency to complete sentences for people has left me in a state where they get irritated and, because of my brute honesty, are afraid to tell me. I have forgotten to love. To be patient. To be kind. All this because I am too organized with life, everything too set in stone.
I compartmentalize too much of my life, in fact almost all of my life, to a point where I become unfeeling and only open up when I need to. I've become a machine and it has been killing the relationships I have with people. I demand, I take, I am human. I'm learning and asking God to help me soften my heart again.
I am, once more, sorry.
Especially to these few precious souls in my life: Jing Wen, Yu Wen and Su Tieng.
I choose to name names, not to favour, I cannot be bothered with that; they just really mean so much to me, I don't know how to express. I need to constantly remind myself that I am first and foremost a believer and a friend of Jesus Christ then the daughter of my dad and finally a student of Lasalle. When people cut me open, they should see love flow out.
I need to learn to love even more. I need patience.
"Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become as sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though i bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing." - 1 Corinthians 13:1-3